What an amazing article Sis that truly yanked on my heart strings and made me reflect on my own relationship(s).... marriage and other relationships with siblings, friends etc.. I love the oxygen mask principle, you nailed it with those few words. Because that's exactly what we must do. LOVE IT!
Relationships, whether with partners, family, or even ourselves, can drain or refill us depending on how we show up. The oxygen mask felt like the simplest way to explain a truth that’s taken me years to really learn. And now that you have commented and I have responded, I can now go to the gym hahahaha
I've got more miles on the clock than you Sis and it's a lesson I really only learned a few years ago! Ha ha be sure to wear your oxygen mask on the tread mill ......(or is that just me? lol).... Happy Hump Day Eve Sis!
Wow, so brave of you to write this. So lucid and straightforward. I love it. Our families are so different on the surface, but that yearning glare out of the window while folding laundry...I know it all too well from my own mother. I'm still struggling to find myself instead of existing just to embody all she couldn't be and do, as if my identity were a revenge for her. Thank you for this, although now I am ugly crying!
I wrote a note today about my writing and the audience.
I write for myself first.
So many of us carry this complicated mix of love, expectation, and sometimes frustration with the people who influenced us, especially our parents. It’s tough to separate who we are from the roles we’ve inherited or rebelled against.
Remember, it’s okay to take your time. And more importantly, you have an ally right here.
ALWAYS.
Thank you so much for taking the time and for the lovely feedback, Federica.
We 100% need to stop teaching daughters this! Marriage is not a panacea, love is imperfect, and our lovers do not deserve more love than we give ourselves.
It sounds like you're one of the few who built a sound relationship without necessarily the role models to emulate. Most of us commit the same mistakes our parents did, because we don't know any better. Hopefully some of us read this article 😉
I sometimes wonder what our relationships could look like if more of us were taught to love ourselves first and not just perform it for everyone else. I had to unlearn a lot before I could recognize what a healthy relationship even looked like.
Enjoy your evening, and thank you for always taking the time.
Well for me, this was your best article as it touched on key beliefs of mine. Love, Luck, and a Game We Lose was more emotionally resonant but this one spoke to head and heart.
For years, I wanted to write a novel that started with they lived happily ever after. And then, of course they didn’t. That’s why my wife and I focus on what we call, ordinary happiness, not some ideal of the perfect happiness.
I think, putting on your own oxygen mask first may actually be impossible very difficult for many people. I personally have mostly always had an internal focus, competing with myself as it were, but so many people have an external locus of control. Which leads to your points about giving it all away to others. Mind you I had to do a lot of work on myself to overcome a horrible addiction, but that’s another story.
You stimulated so much thinking that I could write the longest comment you’ve already got, but I’ll close with this. I mentioned I already the spirituality of imperfection. And it’s when people realize they’re always going to be imperfect, and that the others in their lives are going to be imperfect, that they can be your “two whole people choosing to build something together“.
You’re right, the oxygen mask thing sounds tidy in theory… but for so many of us, it goes against everything we were taught. Putting yourself first can feel selfish, unnatural, even dangerous. I still struggle with it, but I have gotten so much better at it over the years, and I am a better person because of it. Not perfect. Just better.
Also… please write that novel. I'd read it in a heartbeat.
Unfortunately my first novel - in progress- with be a unique audiobook only - and starts a long way from “happily ever after” and gets further away. But there is redemption for some.
My dad, supporter of his mother more than his wife, and he was more of a community person who cared about their thoughts more than the thought of his own family. It’s painful, but it’s true and what’s the point of hiding anything.
I hope you’re fully back and caffeinated because I’m back to my friend and sister ♥️
That’s a tough truth to carry, and even tougher to say out loud. But you said it. That’s strength. I’m back, coffee in hand and ready to ride with you. Always. ♥️
Only you know how to turn childhood trauma and experiences into poignant essays that make the reader feel like they were there in that room. Step back and think about what’s happening and retrospect how all of it translates into the grand scheme of things and the hidden lessons in a field of red flags!
Yes, yes, yes! These are the words I needed to hear (even though a favorite saying of mine is: you can pour from an empty cup.) Sometimes even I need to remind myself to fill my cup to be able to share the overflow! Thank you.
I feel the same way. I finally found somebody that I love who also loves me but the goal isn't to become one. It is to support each other was we chase our dreams and goals. It is to be there in silence when needed and be there in laughter when needed.
This doesn't mean that we go off on our own for days, weeks, months because I need my 'me' time. No, I don't need 'me' time because the time we spend together is about us which includes me.
Life is a lot more enjoyable when you put your oxygen mask on first and then help your person put theirs on.......
Gosh, I bet every person reading this could relate to it in some way-shape or form.
I’ve witnessed this way too often with friends and even family…giving themselves up just to be someone they’re not and please their partner, all while losing a sense of themselves.
We can be whole and loveable just as we are. What a beautiful photo of your mom- Mama Angel❤️
We all need that reminder sometimes that we are already enough. This is one of my fav photos of her as well :) She had a way of making people feel seen, just like you did here. ❤️
Brilliant piece Neela and I couldn’t agree more! I’m still awaiting my husband, but know that it’s about connecting with someone from a state of wholeness rather than trying to fill a void. Also taking responsibility for creating what you wish in this life and not allowing yourself to be sidetracked. Powerful share, thank you ✨
Twenty-seven years is nothing to speak lightly, about, sis. It is constant work as you and your partner grow, learn, change, develop and thrive together but separately as well. Jo and I celebrate 26 years this October. Our bonds have survived so many things, but mainly we've realized that we have to be happy and do that internal work first. The oxygen mask theory if you will. Great food for thought and reaffirming the base principle I've known and followed for years. As I get older, I'm leaning into that internal work more and more.
What a moving meditation on love, relationships with others, and relationship with oneself!
Regarding going back to the office solving the loneliness epidemic... as if merely being in the physical presence of others equals fellowship?!?! You can be in a room of 100 and still be lonely. It's hard to connect with others when you haven't connected with - and are a friend to - yourself. That's a hard skill to learn and they should teach it more in grade school.
Side note - I'm loving seeing your personal pics in your posts. :)
"You can be in a room of 100 and still be lonely." - only the truth.
That could be its own essay.
Imagine if emotional literacy was a required subject in school! And thank you for noticing the pics. I’m slowly getting more comfortable letting readers into my world visually too. 😊
This piece moved me deeply. It is such a powerful reminder that love should never come at the cost of ourselves.
My grandmother from my mom's side was in the same situation as your mom. My grandmother married a gambler, making life difficult for her and her children. I never knew my grandmother. She died early when my mom was in her teens. I got my name from her.
Thank you for sharing your mother's story with such honesty and grace. It's a beautiful call to choose wholeness, both in love and in life.
"learning to love yourself is the greatest gift of all"
I love the Oxygen Mask Principle - your articles focuses on marriage and happy ever after - but you do also touch on those other things that we have a habit of hanging our happiness on, all of which are external. This is wonderful piece on focusing internally, presented, as ever, with your wonderful individual take. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Tina, I always appreciate how you see beyond the surface. Because you are right, so many of us hitch our happiness to external milestones, and it’s only when we turn inward that we start to feel real peace. The Oxygen Mask Principle continues to teach me new lessons every day. Thank you for your kind words🙏
What an amazing article Sis that truly yanked on my heart strings and made me reflect on my own relationship(s).... marriage and other relationships with siblings, friends etc.. I love the oxygen mask principle, you nailed it with those few words. Because that's exactly what we must do. LOVE IT!
That means a lot, thank you!
Relationships, whether with partners, family, or even ourselves, can drain or refill us depending on how we show up. The oxygen mask felt like the simplest way to explain a truth that’s taken me years to really learn. And now that you have commented and I have responded, I can now go to the gym hahahaha
Happy Wednesday bro.
I've got more miles on the clock than you Sis and it's a lesson I really only learned a few years ago! Ha ha be sure to wear your oxygen mask on the tread mill ......(or is that just me? lol).... Happy Hump Day Eve Sis!
Wow, so brave of you to write this. So lucid and straightforward. I love it. Our families are so different on the surface, but that yearning glare out of the window while folding laundry...I know it all too well from my own mother. I'm still struggling to find myself instead of existing just to embody all she couldn't be and do, as if my identity were a revenge for her. Thank you for this, although now I am ugly crying!
Writing is cheaper than therapy for me lol
I wrote a note today about my writing and the audience.
I write for myself first.
So many of us carry this complicated mix of love, expectation, and sometimes frustration with the people who influenced us, especially our parents. It’s tough to separate who we are from the roles we’ve inherited or rebelled against.
Remember, it’s okay to take your time. And more importantly, you have an ally right here.
ALWAYS.
Thank you so much for taking the time and for the lovely feedback, Federica.
We 100% need to stop teaching daughters this! Marriage is not a panacea, love is imperfect, and our lovers do not deserve more love than we give ourselves.
It sounds like you're one of the few who built a sound relationship without necessarily the role models to emulate. Most of us commit the same mistakes our parents did, because we don't know any better. Hopefully some of us read this article 😉
Appreciate this, Nadine.
I sometimes wonder what our relationships could look like if more of us were taught to love ourselves first and not just perform it for everyone else. I had to unlearn a lot before I could recognize what a healthy relationship even looked like.
Enjoy your evening, and thank you for always taking the time.
Well for me, this was your best article as it touched on key beliefs of mine. Love, Luck, and a Game We Lose was more emotionally resonant but this one spoke to head and heart.
For years, I wanted to write a novel that started with they lived happily ever after. And then, of course they didn’t. That’s why my wife and I focus on what we call, ordinary happiness, not some ideal of the perfect happiness.
I think, putting on your own oxygen mask first may actually be impossible very difficult for many people. I personally have mostly always had an internal focus, competing with myself as it were, but so many people have an external locus of control. Which leads to your points about giving it all away to others. Mind you I had to do a lot of work on myself to overcome a horrible addiction, but that’s another story.
You stimulated so much thinking that I could write the longest comment you’ve already got, but I’ll close with this. I mentioned I already the spirituality of imperfection. And it’s when people realize they’re always going to be imperfect, and that the others in their lives are going to be imperfect, that they can be your “two whole people choosing to build something together“.
Keep up this greatness!
David, your comment is so generous - thank you.
You’re right, the oxygen mask thing sounds tidy in theory… but for so many of us, it goes against everything we were taught. Putting yourself first can feel selfish, unnatural, even dangerous. I still struggle with it, but I have gotten so much better at it over the years, and I am a better person because of it. Not perfect. Just better.
Also… please write that novel. I'd read it in a heartbeat.
Thank you for taking the time :)
Unfortunately my first novel - in progress- with be a unique audiobook only - and starts a long way from “happily ever after” and gets further away. But there is redemption for some.
Not a fan of audio
I know
I know
I'm lame
But I look forward to listening to your story David.
Happy Wednesday, friend.
Audio for 3 reasons: only growth area in fiction, esp for younger
Exploring the illusions of AI tools so a little medium is the message as I - using AI - become all the voices
Not 100% confident in my writing skills for fiction but creating 3 fakes interlinked podcasts I have confidence in
Cheers!
Those are solid reasons David.
Best of luck …
My dad, supporter of his mother more than his wife, and he was more of a community person who cared about their thoughts more than the thought of his own family. It’s painful, but it’s true and what’s the point of hiding anything.
I hope you’re fully back and caffeinated because I’m back to my friend and sister ♥️
Happy Tuesday, Ral
That’s a tough truth to carry, and even tougher to say out loud. But you said it. That’s strength. I’m back, coffee in hand and ready to ride with you. Always. ♥️
Let's do this, sis.
Only you know how to turn childhood trauma and experiences into poignant essays that make the reader feel like they were there in that room. Step back and think about what’s happening and retrospect how all of it translates into the grand scheme of things and the hidden lessons in a field of red flags!
Why, thank you so much, Urmila.
There’s so much wisdom in looking back with intention.
Happy New Week to you :)
Yes, yes, yes! These are the words I needed to hear (even though a favorite saying of mine is: you can pour from an empty cup.) Sometimes even I need to remind myself to fill my cup to be able to share the overflow! Thank you.
Absolutely.
We preach it but forget we’re human too. The reminders are just as much for us as they are for others. so happy you liked the article 💛
Happy Monday!
Absolutely loved this.
I feel the same way. I finally found somebody that I love who also loves me but the goal isn't to become one. It is to support each other was we chase our dreams and goals. It is to be there in silence when needed and be there in laughter when needed.
This doesn't mean that we go off on our own for days, weeks, months because I need my 'me' time. No, I don't need 'me' time because the time we spend together is about us which includes me.
Life is a lot more enjoyable when you put your oxygen mask on first and then help your person put theirs on.......
I hope you are enjoying the long weekend, Jason.
I am so happy you found this, as it is pretty rare.
Two people supporting each other without trying to become the same person makes a lot of sense.
Happy Monday to you friend.....
Gosh, I bet every person reading this could relate to it in some way-shape or form.
I’ve witnessed this way too often with friends and even family…giving themselves up just to be someone they’re not and please their partner, all while losing a sense of themselves.
We can be whole and loveable just as we are. What a beautiful photo of your mom- Mama Angel❤️
Thank you, sis.
We all need that reminder sometimes that we are already enough. This is one of my fav photos of her as well :) She had a way of making people feel seen, just like you did here. ❤️
Thank you for your support and restacking.
Have the best weekend, sis....
Beautiful, poignant, honest.
Hey Paul
Thank you so much for taking the time :)
Brilliant piece Neela and I couldn’t agree more! I’m still awaiting my husband, but know that it’s about connecting with someone from a state of wholeness rather than trying to fill a void. Also taking responsibility for creating what you wish in this life and not allowing yourself to be sidetracked. Powerful share, thank you ✨
Appreciate you, Hege! I have no doubt a human is somewhere out there doing the hard work in preparation. 😉 Wholeness attracts wholeness.
Thank you so much for taking the time...
Thank you Neela! I sure hope so! ✨🙏
Twenty-seven years is nothing to speak lightly, about, sis. It is constant work as you and your partner grow, learn, change, develop and thrive together but separately as well. Jo and I celebrate 26 years this October. Our bonds have survived so many things, but mainly we've realized that we have to be happy and do that internal work first. The oxygen mask theory if you will. Great food for thought and reaffirming the base principle I've known and followed for years. As I get older, I'm leaning into that internal work more and more.
Twenty-six years!
That’s incredible, Chason. Congratulations to you and Jo! I love how you put it - thriving together and separately.
The oxygen mask metaphor is something I keep returning to, especially as I get older too.
Happy Wednesday to you bro.
thank you for taking the time.
Thank you for restacking :)
What a moving meditation on love, relationships with others, and relationship with oneself!
Regarding going back to the office solving the loneliness epidemic... as if merely being in the physical presence of others equals fellowship?!?! You can be in a room of 100 and still be lonely. It's hard to connect with others when you haven't connected with - and are a friend to - yourself. That's a hard skill to learn and they should teach it more in grade school.
Side note - I'm loving seeing your personal pics in your posts. :)
"You can be in a room of 100 and still be lonely." - only the truth.
That could be its own essay.
Imagine if emotional literacy was a required subject in school! And thank you for noticing the pics. I’m slowly getting more comfortable letting readers into my world visually too. 😊
PS my husband does not know yet hahahahah
Thank you for stopping by, Karen.
This piece moved me deeply. It is such a powerful reminder that love should never come at the cost of ourselves.
My grandmother from my mom's side was in the same situation as your mom. My grandmother married a gambler, making life difficult for her and her children. I never knew my grandmother. She died early when my mom was in her teens. I got my name from her.
Thank you for sharing your mother's story with such honesty and grace. It's a beautiful call to choose wholeness, both in love and in life.
Happy Wednesday Lucille
Thank you so much for sharing that about your grandmother. You got her beautiful name :)
I didn’t know my grandmother on my dad's side, but I'm told I have her nose lol
Whatever that means, hahahha.
It’s a powerful thing to honor their stories by choosing a different kind of life.
Cheers to life.
"learning to love yourself is the greatest gift of all"
I love the Oxygen Mask Principle - your articles focuses on marriage and happy ever after - but you do also touch on those other things that we have a habit of hanging our happiness on, all of which are external. This is wonderful piece on focusing internally, presented, as ever, with your wonderful individual take. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Tina, I always appreciate how you see beyond the surface. Because you are right, so many of us hitch our happiness to external milestones, and it’s only when we turn inward that we start to feel real peace. The Oxygen Mask Principle continues to teach me new lessons every day. Thank you for your kind words🙏
I can think of younger days
When living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do
I could never see tomorrow
I was never told about the sorrow
And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain falling down?
Tell me how can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go 'round?
The Bee Gees really knew how to gut a person gracefully, eh?
I don’t know how to mend a broken heart either, but I hear coffee and French fries help.
Thank you for always supporting me in this space.
I think you leave this week, so safe travels to you and Helen 🤗